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(10:38 am - 12.16.2003 - WOW! - i feel  ) it's been almost 40 days since i've written. not quite sure why though, it's not like i've been doing anything interesting. is it so hard to find the whole package? someone who loves you unconditionally, gives you what you need, makes you feel loved? it seems that a lot of people are having the same problem. no one is perfect i guess. i just want someone who loves me exactly the way i am, and makes me feel wanted. not that jeanette and i are having major problems... i just like a lot more physical contact than what i've been getting. i feel more like a mom than a girlfriend. i get enough kisses and hugs, but as far as the other stuff, no where near as much as i crave. that's probably my fault though... i know she's not as physically attracted to me as i am to her, but, eh. why even bother writing anything more about it, nothing ever changes. i didn't quite think i'd ever turn into the person i am right now. getting high almost every morning after work. i've become forgetful and a little more lazy. i never see any of my friends anymore. i don't know if that's because of the way i am, or just the time... everyone's too busy for everyone else, and no one really gives a damn about anyone else. i used to care too much, but now i'm starting to become like them. it sucks to be the romantic one in a relationship. you never seems to be fulfilled. i love leaving little notes, doing nice things without the other person asking for them, and giving the other person everything they need. it sucks to be the one in love. i can't believe i fell in love with her. i tried so hard not to, and no matter how upset i may be with her, the second she holds me it all freaking melts away, even though i know nothing changed. i can't even remember the last time we fucked. it hasn't been that long, maybe 2 weeks, but when you crave it, it becomes a bigger issue than the 2 of you, than the whole relationship. am i asking for too much? it'd be a blessing to get what i want even once a week. fuck.... christmas is such a weird time. i want to buy jeanette everything in the world. we got a tree up, and it's pretty too! blue, purple and silver ornaments, white lights, some disco ball tinsel (tinsle? - eh) and matching candy canes. for my very first tree without my mom it's pretty nice, except for we don't have a nice skirt for it yet. i want to make one, but i'd rather spend the $ on presents. i have to make cookies today. i won't have any other time to make them besides today. i kind of feel like it. i think i need some alone time. i don't think i ever really figured out who i am. i think i've been lying to myself along with everyone else for my whole life. mom almost had to go back into western psych. i think sometimes she wants to kill jake. pretty messed up. my brother is going to propose to his girlfriend kimberly on christmas. i haven't liked kimberly since the second i met her on the 4th of july last year, but now she's going to be my sister in law, and she's pregnant. jeanette and i have a lot of running around to do for christmas. going to avella to see her family on christmas eve, christmas morning here, over to her stepmom's house, over to my grandfathers house, then to my dads. at least that's stretched out over 3 days. a nice little vacation. my boss at work, ed, i'm so thankful for him. he sees exactly what's going on with jeanette and i. it's really weird when your boss tries to fix your relationship problems. he seems to care a lot, and that's damn nice considering we dick him over more than we should. last sunday we didn't show up for work. we didn't even call. and what did we do with our free night off? nothing. slept. pretty sick. ed was so pissed he was going to suspend us both for 3 days and give us different days off, but when i came up with a lie and cried in front of him, he let it go. we still haven't gotten suspended.... men. why can't they deal with a women crying? it's so funny. jeanette is sleeping about 6 inched away from me as i type this. i got up cause i couldn't sleep next to her any longer. she heard me get up and asked where i was going and i told her i had to pee. now i've been up for 2 hours. she'll just get up and want to get high anyways, so she might as well stay sleeping. when i'm upset with her i take things way too far. i had a really rough day on sunday night. we sat next to each other on break, and usually i'll reach for her hand, but lately i've been holding back from doing that to see how long it takes for her to reach for me. well, she knew i was upset, and she didn't reach for me at all. infact, we didn't talk at all. then when we had to go into our own aisles, she didn't say anything, so i just waved and turned around. i ended up going into my aisle and taking way too many pills. i wanted to cut myself, but somehow i always resist. but, i wrote her a letter since i can't seem to just talk about how i feel with her. i feel used and unappreciated. she didn't like that too much, but it's how i feel. my highs are really high with her and the lows are really low. only sometimes there's a happy balance. mark's 21st birthday is tomorrow. i can't believe i don't think of him more than i do. i can't believe i hardly miss him at all. i only really think about him when i hear matchbox twenty, or something little will trigger a thought, but other than that, nothing. i wonder if he's happy though. i wonder if he found a girl that is good enough for him, cause i know i wasn't. it's amazing how easily people can be forgotten. << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 