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(6:50 am - 09.04.2001 - saltwater rivers and emptiness - i feel  ) i really am just going to ramble on here, so feel free to skip this entry (wait! all my entries are ramblings...!) so anyways. yesterday was awful. i ended up crying all day. just felt all alone. today wasn't any different. maybe worse. nick called me yesterday and said that he quit at the firehall. =( as long as he's happy, i'll support whatever decision he makes. i just felt really bad. he emailed me today and that's about all the made me feel a little better. i desperately wanted to call him, but.. i didn't want to end up looking like a total idiot, cause i just would have ended up crying. i really wish i didn't cry so much. my eyes are beginning to hurt like hell. mom called and woke me up today. for once she didn't depress me. thank god. i think that would have been really bad if she would have. she told me a story about this 30 yr old guy that told her she was gorgeous, then kissed her, then asked for her number, then asked what her name was. lol. she says he's really attractive too. the only problem is (in her eyes) is that 1. she's still married. 2. she's 44. who cares about the 44! i think she should go for it. hey maybe this jeff guy could be what she needs to get her feeling tons better. (that added twist of the knife in brads heart too!) i'm so glad that i can't even remember what it was like to like with brad. well, of course i can remember, but... geez. i don't know how i even put up with that shit for so long. how could a -grown- man piss on my clothes just because i left them on the bathroom floor? how could he -not- talk to me for seven years when we lived in the same house? how could he -ruin- basically everything i owned? i just don't understand. but fuck. when it came right down to it. he hated me. when i walked into my own house, i could just feel nothing but hatred and disgust.... that's not the way to live. asked mom for dad's email address today. i think she gave me the wrong one, but i wrote to him anyways. he'll be like "liz who?" lol, well someone had to make the first move. i knew it had to be me. one day i'll need him to be there for me, so we might as well get back on track now. ouch. i felt so sick earlier. i couldn't even move. just emotionally drained. i haven't smiled in days. jenn didn't call me yesterday. she promised to. still need to return the movie too. starz did call me last nite, but with the mood that i was in, i couldn't talk. i left a message for trish, but no word yet. mark called twice last nite. he told me that he loved me the last call, and that made me weak. not a happy weak, a depressed, longing, emotional overkill weak. or something like that, i can't even describe. but then again, i can never describe anything how i'd like to. radiohead is my selection. thom says things that fit me. just blends with me so well right now. i can't listen to anything else. incubus and linkin park, no. 311? i can't get happy. soad comes out today. i've got to shake this mood. within two weeks, i've changed everything around me so much, but inside, emptiness. i don't know what i can do to change it. i forget what i did last time. wishing i had some kind of memory right now. everything is blank. i was bored so i changed the appearance of this thing. i don't know if i like it yet or not. oh geez. i just got an email from dad. now the tears start... he writes.. (leaving some out)Hi Liz, I see you finally got around to sending me a homemade card, which was all I ever wanted from you anyway! (blah, stuff about grandma) Once again, thanks for the card. You will never know how much I wanted to have something, anything, from you to acknowledge me, to let me know you love me. I'll always love you, my only daughter. Thanks for writing and stay in touch! Dad
hmm. for me to acknowledge him. strange twist on things there. when was the last time he noticed me. and hell, like i wouldn't still love him. see, he doesn't even mention how much he'd like to see me. but i'm being too cynical. i should at least be happy that he wrote. but in this funk, i can't look on the bright side of anything! i'll shake it. i promise. before anything happens. now i don't know what else to say. in a little while i'll be gone the moment's already passed yeah, it's gone i'm not here this isn't happening i'm not here, i'm not here ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
