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(3:07 pm - 01.06.2004 - holiday wrap-up - i feel  ) jesus good lord. it's been awhile, yet again. let's wrap things up: kristmas: made out well. had an awful time. clothes and clothes from mum, a new cd player, headphones, kurt cobain journals, family guy dvds, and other stuff from jeantte, and a cool $100 from my dad, which half went to weed (goddamnit), and the other half.... ahh, a haircut and some other odd things. not too bad at all. considering i'm a huge pothead now, that's where any spare cash of mine goes. i fucked up with my mom's christmas presents though... too much on my mind, or something of that nature. but, i fixed it and it's all good now. it's 3:11pm!! heh. anyhow.... jeanette was really.... weird on christmas. she had to go over to my pup pups house and be with my mom's side of the family. she didn't talk to anyone really, and pretty much ignored everyone. my aunt becky really tried talking to her, but it didn't seem to matter much. and when my mom gave her the presents she had bought for her, she didn't seem too happy about my mom loving her enough to go out and buy her things. and mom really went crazy over a few things for her. maybe it was because her sister was here, but, i don't know. we woke up around 5am on christmas morning and did the present thing, then i made a ham and we had a sort of romantic christmas morning dinner. that was nice. but the fact that she waited until christmas eve to buy me any christmas presents bothered me a little bit. the two things i asked for specifically i didn't get. the nine inch nails dvd and a real journal. not that it matters that much. christmas is the day i think i fell out of love with her. around christmas it was about a week a half since we fucked too, so i was a little bitchy. then the next day we went to my dads for his birthday. she was a little better there, cause my brother is a fun guy. we didn't stay long, cause we were running around all week. the next day we had to take her sister back. fast forward to new years. the early plans were to have amie, matt and her sister over for a little party. we woke up around 6 to amie and matt pounding on the door. so we left amie here and went to go get her sister. we came back with her and a quarter of weed. got some pizza. smoked. i think we all had one drink and that was it. 10 before midnite we popped the cork on the champagne that i bought. well, amie popped the cork. my first new years with someone i love right beside me, you'd think i'd get a kiss at midnite, but i didn't. that made me a little upset... but then after i called my mom around quater after i got enough kisses to last me a lifetime. it was worth it. amie and matt ended up leaving around 2 or 3. i think amie is a little more than jealous of me having jeanette. amie violated jeanette by eating her out one night when she was drunk, so since she told me that, it's always been in the back of my mind when i'm around amie. it makes me sick. and everytime we're around jeanettes sister, christina, she always brings up durbin. it's insane. i don't know if she's doing it on purpose or what, but ugh! new years, i thought i'd get a little more than a lick and a promise, but i didn't. it was wearing me down. it was about the 2.5 week mark. i mean, a girls got needs, right? i gave jeanette a bad ass journal for her birthday and one day i picked it up to see if she started writing in it, cause it was supposed to be a book for me, but of course, when i picked it up it was the start of a journal. i forget exactly what it said right now, but it wasn't exactly good. moving on. i asked jeanette if she was going to take care of everything for my birthday... ie. requesting days off, planning something, etc... well, i was going to let her do everything by herself but, i caved and reminded her to request the days off. she did, and she's actually planning, like, stuff. like romantic stuff. i think... which is exactly what i want. i'm quite a romantic person, i think. we'll see how it all goes. hopefully well. and now it's the 6th. finally i got fucked. *sigh*. i didn't think i was going to, but, i did. she made me bleed and i almost fell off the bed. it's such an intense feeling to look into someones eyes as yours are rolling into the back of your head. feeling her inside of me is like nothing else. it's insane how well we fit together. after that happened, we took down the tree and cleaned up a bit listening to incubus and a perfect circle. it's just nice to be together. and it's really insane how a little bit of fucking puts me in a much better mood, even if i don't get off. so, after everything was done, she was playing the playstation, so i came here to catch up a bit, and she came in here real fast and grabbed her journal out of her drawer.. i thought "oh no, i thought we were having a pretty nice day and now she's going to write awful things about how she's not happy." after 10 minutes she comes in here and i cover up the screen cause i was writing about her, and then i went to go join her on the couch. we were sitting there and she said: "i bet you want what's in my hand." i didn't know what it was so i fought her for it. it ended up being a little note that reads: liz, one more for your collection. i was just thinking of something. it's weird how incubus makes me think of you, how i actually feel some of those ways. you always think you do but you really realize it when you reall feel. do you get it? i thought i felt like i do but i didn't. your different. you take me away from everything that's bad. like watching the earth come up. i love you, jeanette. AND JUST THAT FUCKING EASILY I FELL IN LOVE WITH HER AGAIN. usually it's so easy for me to just forget about someone who makes me so angry, but damn, i forgive this girl so easily just to feel her touch, to be near her, to love her. to want to love someone even when you're mad at them... it's weird for me. and not to hold a grudge. it's a big deal. i still don't know if this is the real thing, but it almost feels that way. on the 23rd at work, she kept on saying that she had something to tell me, but she was afraid to. i thought she wanted to say that she was in love with me, but, i doubted it cause or her actions around that time. and everytime i asked her what it was she wouldn't tell me, and it would be dropped. and she took a vicodin that night, and those usually make her feel overly affectionate. i know that's all it was. she's made me cry so much, that when i'm upset now, i can't even cry anymore. there are no more tears to cry over her. i'm fucking sick over this girl. my birthday is on the 10th. i'll be 23. good lord. i'm already getting grey hairs. i know it's gray, but i like grey. =P jeanette found 3 since she's been with me. xoxo's to whoever read all my bullshit. happy belated holidays and all that crap. it's all just another day... ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
