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(3:02 pm - 07.03.2002 - crying while writing - i feel  )  | you're anger! you're not the most pleasant person to be around! you've got a short fuse, and you're almost always mad at the world. you're represented by the color red. |
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see you in hellmight as well start out this entry on a positive note, right? well, fuck that. i just got off the phone with my mom, and we had one of our routine "liz needs to change her life" talks. i have so much to say about this subject, i just don't know where to begin. first off, my mom disguised her call as her needed something. i thought i'd just answer her question and be done with it. but no. she proceeds to tell me that she's talked to my uncle, brad and etc. i love how these people tell me i need to do things. you don't think i know that i need to do them????!!! seriously. i am 21 now. i realize that certain things need to be done for me to have a 'healthy happy productive' life. they make me feel like i can't do anything by myself. my life is wrecked at the moment. i knew my mom cut herself a few times. today she told me that she cut herself 17 times and has 2 puncture wounds from trying to stab herself. mom did this because of guilt. she feels like she wasn't a good mother, etc, etc. she really doesn't understand that i am not upset with her for the way that i grew up. deep down, within all that psychological shit, i probably am, but really, i don't make choices and do things because of how my mom treated me. she really did the best she could, and i understand that. the sad thing is, i'll probably end up like her. maybe much much sooner than i think. so mom and i are talking about what her and my uncle discussed. my uncle is ready to take me out to get my license. step 1. well, just yesterday i was thinking about taking the bus up to penn hills to take my permit test. so maybe i could feel like i'm starting to change without being forced to. if you know me, then you know i'm completely stubborn. if i'm told i have to do something, i'll delay it for as long as possible. not intentionally though. it's just the way that i've always dealt with shit. now really. i wanted to go and get my permit by myself. i don't want my uncle to hold my hand. he shouldn't have to. it's really making me feel like an infant. so anyhow. talking to mom still, and there's an order of things that need to be done. 1. i need my license
2. i need some where to live
3. i need to get this house cleaned out (a fucking huge ass job)
4. i need insurance
5. i need to go to college
6. i need to talk to a therapist with all these things i need to do, there's a huge amount of pressure and frustration that comes along with them. then mom adds even more pressure by saying "i think you should check yourself into western psych for 3 days, cause they'll help you with everything. they'll find a place for you to live, they'll pay for you to go to school, and they'll get you insured. and, with you getting help from there, that'll maybe make me recover faster." as of now mom is ready to go back to western psych. wouldn't it be fun for a mother and daughter go to a psych hospital together? that would be the ultimate bonding experience. this whole western psych thing has been swirling around in my head ever since my mom brought it up awhile ago, and made me meet with this lady krista. i had an awful first impression of krista. i hate talking about my problems to my family and friends, now why would i want to tell them to a complete stranger. it's a rare day when i discuss my fears, frustrations, and problems. the western psych deal is looking like the best option so far. the only thing i'm afraid of with this is that, once they get me in there, they'll want to keep me. i'm too depressed and suicidal right now to hide it. and when they notice that, they'll keep me in there until i'm better, and i'm really scared to find out just how long that might take. the real 2 options in my head right now are either checking into western psych, or committing suicide. if i kill myself, i know that would send my mom right back into the hospital and she'd never get better. i really don't want to do that to her. it's just hard to not think of that as an option. just about everyone that i've ever known has given up on me, forgotten about me, or not even cared for me from the beginning. so why should i trust that they want to help me now. no one has ever cared before. why did i let it get this far? why can't i just live up to everyone's expectations of what i should do with my life. why can't i be a normal 21 year old girl? i'm lonely, afraid, and apprehensive about what the world has in store for me. i'm not saying that what i've become is everyone else's fault. only i can change my life, or at least make the decisions that can get my on the right path to change my life. right now i know i need professional help. there's no other way to go about this journey that i have ahead of me. basically i need a support group of family/friends to help me, and i don't really think i have that. i know my mom will be there. i know my aunts will help (but not for me, for their benefit, like they're doing a good deed, not a selfless act), and my uncle will help. i'm not so sure about my dad. and i'm really unsure about my friends. i know they all care in their own ways, but i need a lot of strength. i've been so strong for all these years, and i just can't do it anymore. my heart feels so weak right now. << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
