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(2:59 pm - 09.12.2002 - after all this time, still nothing - i feel  ) so. i've been avoiding writing for over two weeks now. well, not really avoiding. i've been online... more often than usual. just avoiding the actual process of writing an entry for my mundane diary. well, let me recap the last two weeks in the form of a bulleted list: - i broke up with mark
- i realized that i need to stay away from talking to certain people, not because they want me to, because i don't want to talk to them in the first place
- i've left all my depressed feelings behind
- i got asked out by a dj
- september 11th came, and went
- i have a really short memory
ok, so diving into these topics now... yes, i broke up with mark. for the third and final time. and to be honest, i'm more relived than upset. the last time i broke up with him, i couldn't even live with myself. i was thoroughly upset the whole time, and pretty much needed him back to survive. my day wouldn't be complete if i didn't talk to him. i needed him to live. i was dependant on him, and nothing else really mattered to me. obviously, i don't feel that way now. i feel... free. not that our relationship was a bad thing. i just think we're better off as friends. i'll always love him, but as i often do, i fell out of love with him. why must my heart be so fickle in matters of love? i fall completely for a person, and then.. shortly, the feeling dwindles. and i'm not talking that the feeling of newness goes away, the feeling just... disappears. and i couldn't really care about the person less. how fucked is that? ohhhh! it's 3:11. heh. so yes, i'm single. and along with that.. i have to write this next part, even though i don't want to. i fell for someone else. quickly. but that ended just as quickly as it came. it would have been an awful mistake though, so i'm relieved that it didn't go any farther than it did. whew! it's something that i'll look back on, and relize just how stupid my heart is at times. you can't fully control who you fall in love with right? no matter how hard you try. but when it ends, you can't control that either. complicated. i really don't know what i'm trying to say, so fuck it. and with my heart being in and out of love so often, i ditched all my negative feelings along with people associated with them. i have to have positive people around me to keep me that way, so when i'm around the negative, it flows right into me and stays. but since the person is gone, the negative feelings have gone along with it. thank god. now, the only thing i'm sad/depressed about is my major 311 withdrawl. seriously. i haven't seen them live in so long. even if you don't like 311, you should see them, cause their live show is amazing. pure energy. even the people i know that couldn't care less about 311 walked away impressed with the live show. ahhhh, i need to see them soon. i can't even listen to the live cd without wimpering. i've got it bad. ok, so onto the dj business. when i have a nite off, i'm usually online, being bored, listening to the radio. i forget when i called the dj for the first time, but it was awhile ago, when i couldn't get enough of the song "gone away" by cold. i talked to the dj for quite awhile. a few more calls, and a few more conversations, haha, he called me his soulmate. we have much in common, and he was... impressed that a girl actually knew who a few of his favorite bands were, and actually liked them too. so, on the morning of sep. 11th, i was talking to him. near the end of the conversation, he asked me out and gave me his number. it was strangly surprising. what an interesting way to start that day. he wants to meet on saturday, after he does a remote, but i'm pretty sure i work. and his birthday is today. aww. happy birthday mr. dj man. the morning of sept. 11th. after the excitement from the dj faded, i looked out the window. i don't know if the sky looked like this all over the place, but it was beautifully eerie. and the wind was blowing hard. it gave me chills. rather than turning on the tv, i listened to the rebroadcast of howard sterns show. a few goosebumps occured, just like last year. i wanted to avoid the tv all day, and did that successfully. no 9/11 sensory assult for me, thank you. we had enough of that for months after the fact. still haven't worked out any thoughts on the subject though. a little sadness, still a little surprise, and anger all mixed. and seeing as i knew i wouldn't be writing an entry for quite some time, i tried keeping a few thoughts active in notepad, but my stupid computer shuts down like every 5 hours, so those thoughts constantly were wiped away, making me realize that i need a better memory. well, i've always known that... but anyhow. what other boring details can i write? i got an email from the woman i met at the olp concert, and she attached 2 photos. how nice. really good shot of raine too. i still haven't written back. slacker. i'm thinking of going down to metropol on the 25th to get hoobastank and greenwheel to sign some shit for me. i don't know if i actually want to partake in the concert going, just the waiting outside for them. yeah. marilyn and i went out yesterday, which aided in my staying away from the media. we went to the parkway tavern and had a bite to eat, and i actually saw starz! holy hell. i haven't seen the girl for months. seriously. my best friend! i finally replied to her email, that she sent like 3 weeks ago, an hour ago. slackerness! then we went to target to get some crap. nothing interesting. but what the fuck. so, all these stores have their halloween candy out, and no one has mallowcups? seriously! that was the only treat i wanted to buy, and no one has them. ge had them for like 2 days, and then they were gone! blarg. oh yes, the main reason i wanted to go to target, was to get the new coldplay cd. $14.99? no... i decided that we'd be better off going to best buy. mistake. do not let liz go into a cd store when she hasn't bought herself any cds in awhile. i walked out of there with 3 cds. powerman 5000, coldplay, and nonpoint. i would have bought more, but apparently the ones that i could remember that i wanted, aren't even released yet. i could have been really bad and picked up the o.a.r. cds, a few rolling stones cds, an actual copy of the thursday cd, and countless others, but marilyn pulled me out by my hair. and i came out of target with 2 cds. greenwheel and a special release hoobastank, that i just bought to get signed. i almost bought the old estd at best buy, but i didn't. i should have. "cross this line you die!" i had it on vhs, but i lost it. figures. and!!!!! not only did i come home with 5 cds yesterday, i'm about to win 2 on ebay. evilness! at least those will only cost me $6 for both, including shipping. and god, i was also searching for a nes or snes. i've wanted one forever, since my stepdad broke my last snes. oh, memories. the next purchases will be clothes and boots! and i don't have a winter coat. seeing as how we were lucky last year, having a non-brutal winter.... i wonder what we're in for this year. fuck, this is a fucking long entry. if you made it this far, i applaud you. i wish i had something interesting to say. you think i would after 2+ weeks. sure, there's more i can write, but this is entirely too long at the moment, so i must end it. took nearly an hour to write! what a loss. and just on a side note: the rage/cornell blend is going to be named audio slave? me no likey. it just ain't right. ok, bye bye kiddies. if you'd accept surrender-give up some more-weren't you adored-i cannot be without you-matter of fact-i'm on your back-if you walk out on me-i'm walking after you-if you walk out on me-'m walking after you-another heart is cracked in two-i'm on your back ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
