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(2:02 am - 01.01.2003 - your invitation - i feel  ) my 1.01 entry at 2:02. happy new year. how special. no, i'm not at home. currently i'm spending the week (until jan. 6th) at my mom's boyfriends house (jake) in camp hill. which is like 3.5 hours away from my house. i took my vacation time to come out here. i just have so much to say, but so much i don't want to write out, because if i do, then i'll know it's true. i'm in denial. new years is my second most hated holiday. first of course being the 4th of july. i always end up crying on these holidays. it really hits home the fact that i am alone and probably always will be alone. this thing with mark has really been getting to me lately. i don't know if it's just because i have my period, or whatever, but fuck. maybe it's because he seems to be moving on so quickly. now i know i did the same thing to him, more than once, but i don't remember him being that awfully upset about it. just why is it that when you let something go, you end up missing it more than ever? sure, the breakup was kind of mutual... but i really just wanted him to be happy. and clearly he wasn't going to be happy sitting around waiting for me his whole life. bah. i don't want to write anymore because i'll just upset myself more than i already am. let me try and think of some good news. i'm really happy to be spending a week with my mom. she's so beautiful and i love her so much. she's pretty much the only reason i try and keep myself alive. i'd be too afraid of what might happen if i wasn't here for her. so we just won't find out. so in 10 days i'll be 22. pretty boring. i know i'm not doing anything special unless somehow, magically, i have friends that appear out of no where. holidays fucking suck and i'm throwing myself a pity party, who wants to come? what a way to start off the new year! goodnite. though i want to be with you-to be with you night and day-nothing changes on new year's day ~*~liz (and yes, those lyrics are a must for this day. my own tradition.) << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 