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(4:08 am - 01.08.2003 - closure? - i feel  ) i'm going home tomorrow. i don't know if i'll have a monitor when i get home, so this might be my last entry for awhile. don't cry. in 2 days (on the 10th) i turn 22. i don't know what i feel about that. probably nothing. i don't really care about my life anymore. nothing seems significant. my brother might have gotten in an accident tonite. i really wish i knew what happened. jake, mom and i were playing life tonite when the phone rang. my dad had called here. jake talked to him. my dad had said that his ex wife called his house and left a message on his machine that his son had gotten in an accident. my mom didn't call dad. so i'm guessing that it was probably debbie (my stepmom) that called and it was my half brother stephen that was in an accident. at least, that's what i'm hoping. i know that's an awful thing to say, but i want my own brother to be safe. he's pretty crazy when he drives, and i don't know how the weather is in pittsburgh, so he might have gotten in an accident, so on and so forth. my mom freaked out. if ray (my brother) wasn't such an ass, and actually called mom back when she pages him, it'd be much better. so anyhow. i had a really good time being here. it felt right. i met all of jakes kids. yvonne, josh and matt. heh, i don't know what else to say in this paragraph... so.... adam im'ed me tonite. that was weird. i thought i'd had written "don't ever talk to me again" in one of my entries. at least he was friendly. and i'm pretty sure he apologized for being such an ass before. so, whatever. but if he thinks i'm going to feel the same way i did before, he's totally wrong. i'll never make that mistake again. i've made 10 lifetimes worth of mistakes. no more, ever! heh. feel free to skip these last paragraphs where i rant about how love sucks: where do you turn when the person hurting you is the one you'd run to in the first place? that's the situation i'm in. obviously. so mark officially has a new girlfriend. i don't know what to do about the situation. ok, so i love the kid. but our conversations lately are, cold and pretty much mundane. in early december (right when we broke up) my mom and i would be talking, and she'd mention him, and i'd get this big broad smile across my face that i couldn't hide. hard to imagine that it was only just about a month ago. now when something reminds me of him, or if my mom brings him up, i can't breathe. my heart feels like it's ripping in two. i never imagined that it'd effect me like this, but it has, and i don't know where to go from here. part of me doesn't want to speak with him anymore. no contact whatsoever. apparently he's moved on. and him hurting me is preventing him from achieving total happiness. i'm not going to be happy unless i'm with him. bottom line. fuck, i really hate writing this in here, cause it's admitting that he has this ultimate power over me. but that's just how it is. whenever he calls me, i don't feel like talking to him, cause it's just a reminder that he's not mine. he's moved on. it's over. so final. but, we were such good friends. like i told him, not only did i lose my boyfriend, i lost my best friend. i have no one to cry to. no one to share any good news with. i can't talk about certain things that i wouldn't even give a second thought to bringing up before. now i have to shelter my thoughts. and that really fucking sucks. i want my best friend back. i need my best friend back. maybe it wouldn't be so bad if i had friends. i have no one to talk to. mark actually said to me "if you really need to talk, you can always email me or write to me." well ok. then when something really major happens, i'll be sure to jot the event down, with all my feelings included in a letter and send that off to you, and by the time you get it and respond, i'll have either forgotten about it, or whatever. pointless. i've made my (pretty much all) share of mistakes in this relationship, and believe me, i'd take them all back if i could. everything that went wrong between us was my fault. i know that. what can i do to take it all back? nothing. it's too late now. so now, here i am. mark and i talked for awhile tonite... until i said "i don't even know why i'm talking about all this, cause nothing is going to change." and then a few minutes later mark said "i gotta go to bed." i can't prolong the pain any longer. so i guess i have to tell him how i'm feeling in an email. life sucks. love sucks. i suck the most out of everything. no combination of words can describe just how ..... worthless, depressed, upset, useless, unloved, empty, and a million different emotions i feel right now. when will it all go away? [/rant] so that's that. if anyone read all of that, bless you, i love you. i owe you. if i don't have a monitor when i get home, well, you guys can breathe a sigh of relief that you won't have to read my stupid entries for awhile. but, we shall see. and damn, i work on my birthday, happy birthday to me. blah. like a leech-i hold on-as if we belonged-to some precious pure dream-cast off-you've seen what�s beneath-now fail me-forget closure-closure has come to me, myself-you will never belong to me-closure has come to me myself-you will never belong to me ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
