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(11:56 pm - 08.26.2003 - more jeanette, sorry. - i feel  ) so, in addition to this entry, she's still messing with my head. we've slept together more than we've slept alone these past few days. i've never been able to sleep with anyone in my bed before, but, for some funny reason, i can sleep with her. laying next to me she gets as close as possible, something that would normally make me uncomfortable, but it doesn't with her. ugh. right now that's about the happiest moment in my life, being able to wake up and see her sleeping there, with a smile on her face. her not being able to get out of bed to go to work, cause she'd rather stay with me. a few more kisses have happened. she definitely likes to flirt with me in front of my mom. and yet, she is still with amee. i saw a picture of her today, and she is pretty cute, but they fight constantly. jeanette keeps on telling me the break up is coming... and i still don't believe it, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to enjoy what's been going on. hours after she leaves, i can still smell her. almost all those happy songs remind me of her. but when she does something to hurt me, i'm fucking empty. i'm still not hoping for anything to come of any of this. hope is only something to let me down. i'm praying i won't be let down. i'm hoping... for just this one thing. this one thing i've never really had before. her eyes stare right into my soul. wow. the more i write, the more desperate i sound. i'm not exactly desperate, it'd just be really nice. for once. she's majorly jealous of john. she thinks he wants me. that's definitely not true. at all. she said he couldn't have me. then i asked her why... but she didn't answer. it'd be pretty fucked up for her to say "cause i want you to be mine." or whatever when she's still with amee. i couldn't really imagine fighting that much with her. she and amee fight constantly. bah. i just can't write any more about this right now. i guess i'll always be pathetic. by the way, i've been writing here since 8.2.01, more than 2 years and i have less than 300 entries written. heh. << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
