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(10:39 am - 08.21.2003 - jeanette - i feel  ) i wrote this on the 17th, and didn't really feel like posting it, but, i am now... jeanette. i'm so completely in love with her it's ridicolous. i really wish i didn't love her. i even tried to stop, but i just can't help it. do you think you can help who you care about and fall in love with? i really don't think you can. jeanette currently has a girlfriend, amee. for a little bit, in the beginning, i was jealous. especially after lollapalooza when amee was waiting for jeanette outside of the bar. i nearly killed myself that nite. i really shouldn't drive when i'm angry and upset. but, i got over it. i realized that jeanette and i could only be good friends. and i was happy with that. i knew my place, and it was good. i was good. a few days ago, jeanette fucked my world up. she told me that she wanted to kiss me so badly that she wouldn't be able to resist much longer. that whole nite was weird. she kissed my cheek 3 times that nite. she called me a slut cause i was flirting back. she had to walk away from me cause if she stayed there a second longer, she would have done something she would have regretted. now, i know that we can't be together right now, and i know that she has a million things on her plate, and i know that i wouldn't want to be with her at this point and time, but fuck.....! why the hell do i want to so badly? after that nite, i'm no longer good with the situation. i hate getting jealous over amee, cause i know she likes me more than her. at least that's what she tells me. i've asked her more than once if i'm her favorite person, and you like spending time with me, and you love me, then why are you with amee? she tells me a million times a day that she loves me. words are just words though, right? when she says she's going to call, sometimes she doesn't. especially when amee is around. so where are the actions to back up those words "i love you."? why can't i get it through my head that nothing can happen right now. why fuck myself over thinking all these positive things when i know that nothing will come of it, at least, not now. the things she says when i'm down on myself... the way she talks when no one else is around... the looks she gives me, and the tone of voice... it says something so much more powerful than how she acts. a total mind fuck, that's all i'm getting, right? i've never wanted to kiss someone so badly as i did last nite. she knew it too. i had to walk away. i ended up tearing up. so pathetic. she knows she's driving me crazy. she knows the things she says to me get inside my head and won't leave. she knows that i'd do anything for her. that fucking sucks when someone has that much control over you. how did i fall in love with her? ugh. how can this one person affect my emotions so much? one second she can fill me with complete happiness and hope, and the other she can rip it all away. i fucking love you jeanette. please let me be your everything. god, i'm completely pathetic. so that's everything i wrote on the 17th, and then on the 19th, jeanette kissed me. she's constantly fucking up my world. she's still with amee. the nite after she kissed me, she almost broke up with her. almost. i don't know exactly why she won't do it though. she doesn't want to be too mean cause she thinks amee is completely in love with her. we had an incredibly long talk and she basically told me she thinks she's falling for me. and then she asked how i felt about her. i fucked things up and told her i thought i was in love with her. clearly, it's something that needed more thought, and i did end up telling her that i needed to think about it more. how it happened. i was sitting there in my aisle, putting up some spaghetti sauce. (everything weird always happens when i'm near the spaghetti sauce). she walks up to me, we talk for a little bit, then she walks away, but i ended up saying something, possibly about her not wanting to kiss me, and she turned around, and walked back over to me. i wasn't looking at her, cause i was playing around, and she told me to look at her. at first, i didn't but when i did, she just did it. two perfect little kisses. she didn't look at me afterwards, she quickly turned around and said "now i have to leave." while walking away, not looking. i went crazy. i sat there for a second, dumbfounded.... then i licked my lip and ended up balling my eyes out. i don't even know why. freaking john saw me, and thought i was laughing at first. he tried to talk to me, but if anyone tells me anything bad about jeanette, i don't listen. i know she'll probably end up hurting me. hell, she already has, but i don't care. if you know the movie say anything right when lloyd says "i want to get hurt!" that's exactly how i feel about her. i want whatever i can have for as long as she'll let me have it. yesterday she came over here after work. it's sick how well everything fits with her. it feels so damn right. i've been driving myself crazy replaying that kiss in my mind. i don't think i've ever wanted to kiss anyone more than i want to kiss her. my mom doesn't know a thing, i don't think. i almost told her, but, i just couldn't. while jeanette and i were sitting at the kitchen table, and my mom was talking to us from the other room, i asked jeanette if she wanted to kiss me. she said she did, and i said that'd be a perfect way to tell my mom. but, no matter what, i know i can't make the first move. fuck, i can't even hug her, or kiss her cheek if i want to. i don't think she wants me to, so i don't. she called off work last nite to come over. right now, she's sleeping so peacefully on the couch. everything feels right. i just can't get over that. but as long as she has amee, i'll never make any moves, no matter how much i want to. i've had to walk away from her quite a few times. i don't know what to think or what to want. i feel so damn fucked. and now for something off the wall, something stolen from that supercool girl i think about everyday, heather... 5 songs that move you:
> 3 libras - a perfect circle
> stealing happy hours - 311
> jane says - jane's addiction
> how to disappear completely - radiohead
> circles - soul coughing
5 things that no one or not many people know about you:
> that a girl kissed me (which is apparent in this entry)
> i am a great actress
> i love wearing fake eyelashes
> the hair on my legs is blonde, and so fine, i never have to shave. never. =P
> i wish i was you 5 things that you wish you'd said when you had the chance:
> i love you.
> i'm lying.
> no.
> yes.
> please don't leave.
5 things that people think about you that aren't true:
> i am always happy.
> i'm pretty.
> i've lost weight.
> i'm a stoner.
> i'm not a stoner. heh. or something.
5 greatest things that happened to you in the past year:
> i learned not to let them get the best of me.
> i learned you can't trust anyone.
> i met jeanette.
> i stopped caring about toxic people.
> i've met some cool bands! i want: to be content.
i have: low self esteem.
i regret: letting things go on too long, and not doing other things soon enough, and not saying exactly how i feel.
i wish: i never got this way.
i love: everyone but myself.
i hate: myself.
i miss: my dogs.
i fear: other people's thoughts.
i hear: jeanette moving and mtv2.
i search for: acceptance.
i feel: empty.
i live: recklessly. last time you...
smiled: just a second ago, looking at jeanette sleeping.
laughed: talking to jeanette this morning.
cried: yesterday.
bought something significant: uhhh. i bought a cell phone and an oil change like a month ago?
danced: yesterday at work, mike and i twirled around.
got hammered: damn. it's been quite a while.
were sarcastic: i'm never not sarcastic.
kissed someone: i kissed jeanette back tuesday.
hugged someone: last nite before my mom left.
talked to an ex: last nite i talked to mark when i was getting ready.
had a nightmare: yesterday.
last thing you read: this question. a-ha! no, the art of selfishness by ayn rand.
last movie you saw on the big screen: it would have been donnie darko, but.. um... yeah, i can't even remember.
last phone number you called: my voicemail.
last show you watched on tv: stupid videos on mtv2.
last song you heard: that g. love and special sauce song i can't remember.
last thing you had to drink: cherry coke.
you ate: philly cheesesteak hamburger helper i made for jeanette.
and that finishes it! happy happy. right now the song 3 libras by a perfect circle fits, but since i've already used those lyrics, it's good old trent.... you make this all go away-you make this all go away-i'm down to just one thing-and i'm starting to scare myself-you make this all go away-you make this all go away-i just want something-i just want something i can never have ~*~liz i was listening to that song one day and said "this is a total jeanette song..." and she took off my headphones and listened to it, and then she said "why don't you think you can ever have it?" ugh. such a headache... such a complete mind fuck!!!!! << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 