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(9:29 pm - 11.05.2003 - i kissed a girl and i may do it again - i feel  ) i think i'm fucked. i just took a speeder and one of my precious 800mg pain take awayers. i've been having these insane problems with the state of my relationship with jeanette. we were never officially "together"... until last nite. i wrote her a note about stuff. she had this girlfriend that she never really fell out of love with... and the girl still calls her. even before all this crap with jeanette started she flat out told me that she didn't want a relationship. i was fine with that at the time. it wouldn't be fair to start something with someone when you're still in love with someone else, right? anyhow.. i was seriously upset about this other girl and the state of our relationship yesterday. i talked to my mom about it. then at work, i wrote to jeanette and told her how i felt. she came and gave me a letter about 2 hours later. she had already started to write me before she got my note. the first time i read it, i was expecting the worst. i was thinking it said something like: "i love being with you, but you're nothing compared to her." but, surprisingly it didn't say that. it said almost all the things i needed to hear. it said i want to be with you forever. it ended with a question. a question that i made jeanette ask me, and a question i answered yes to. so in conclusion, i have a girlfriend. weird. but i know things won't change. things i want her to do, she still won't take the initiative to do. i was a bad girl and looked through her notebook yesterday. i knew she was writing something to me in there, but i also suspected she was writing a letter to her ex (durbin). i found my letter first. it explained why she was scared to get this apartment with me. she felt like it was settling down. i was content, and put the notebook back. then i let my curiousity get the best of me and looked through it for a letter to durbin. needless to say, i found it. it said things along the lines of: "i want to hold you so much." and "so much has happened that i wish you could have been a part of." those things happened because of me. i just ended up crying, so that's what started my bad mood. so, i'm playing the doubt card. i'm not believing anything that was written in my letter last nite until there's some action to back the words up. actions speak so much louder than words to me. don't you agree? we're fucked with this apartment too. if the lady didn't want a security deposit, we'd be fine, but goddamn. my mom already gave me $500, and we only came up with $300. i wish i would have started saving money sooner. and the first guy that jeanette got jealous of was john. she thought he wanted me. well, i didn't believe it, cause no one wants me. but in the last weeks john has been pretty obvious about checking out my tits and a few days ago he was really planning out a time and a place to get together with me. things are strange, i'm turning into a different person, slowly. i don't know if i like it, but it's happening. yeah, so i like being high. yeah, i love flirting with everything in sight when i take speeders at work. yeah, i like feeling unattached from reality. it's pretty aparent that no one would care if i was here either way. and that's cool, cause no one genuinely cares about anyone else, right? look out for number one, right? fuck that. i've never been that way. if i ever said any caring words to anyone, i've always meant them. and it pains me when you're in pain. i'd do anything to take away other peoples pain. but then, who's there to take away mine? ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 