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(9:28 am - 01.08.2002 - delayed... - i feel  ) hey. i wrote five days ago. i guess i really took a liking to avoiding everyone. lol. but never fear, i'm back for the time being. not like anyone really missed me or anything. it's ok, i can deal with it. let's see what i've been up to...... i've been having so many dreams lately. very vivid. i can recall lots of little facts and things that stood out in them too. lately i haven't been having pleasant dreams like i normally would, no my dreams have become so disturbing. a few nites ago, i woke up afraid. maybe from what was on the tv, but, i'm not sure. i'm trying to finish the book mom gave me, to maybe try and control my dreams. lol, does that seem right, that a person can control their dreams? i'm really curious to see if it'll work. it's just strange that since i've started reading the book, my dreams have become more intense and disturbing. who knows. i talked to mom on sunday nite and she told me to call my uncle. he was trying to get in touch with me for over a week, but i was completely avoiding him. i did end up calling him on sunday nite, and we talked about a few things that need to happen. first of all, he's coming down on saturday at 2pm. so the time i took off to celebrate my birthday will be spent cleaning the house so it isn't an absolute wreck when he comes. second, he's going to take away my dogs! =( i'm so upset over this. the last few days, i seriously thought my dog, grace, was going to die. she can hardly walk, she doesn't eat, she was throwing up all over the house. i know it would be better off to put her to sleep (which we probably will do..) but, dogs have a sixth-sense about things like that. they know! and with tim, my other dog, he's going to be put into a shelter. he's my dog. he only listens to me, he protects me, he follows me around. he was beaten when he was a puppy, and we saved him. now i'll be all alone here. i can't believe i won't have dogs anymore. that's a hard thing to deal with for me. but, i have to do whatever i have to do to make my grandfather happy, since this is his house. i realized that i am putting my mom before anything else in my life. whatever she decides to do, i'm going to do whatever she wants. i'm basically talking about where she's going to end up living. she's been talking about us getting an apartment, or her just moving back in here. i do feel trapped. my uncle kept on saying "don't think you're trapped in that house..." but, i am. i'm trapped until my mom gets better. i won't necessarily feel guilty if i go to college in the fall, because i know that's what everyone wants me to do. maybe i'm putting everyone else's happiness before mine. but that changes, sometimes i feel that way, and other times i feel so greedy for making the some of my decisions. it all depends on what situation it is. i just think i'm seriously fucked all around. work was hell again tonite. patrick and scott called off, and we were short. ed was so pissed off that he decided that we just weren't going to do backstock. fucking figures since i have to work it all tonite. i wish i could just call off, but that's not an option. i think i should really get started on some things for college (maybe an application would be nice..) if i really am planning on going this fall, then i should get moving. fuck, i wish i had a parent to take care of all this. lol. i'm so fucked. i can't believe i've put it off this long! that pisses me off even more, and makes me delay it even longer. does that make sense? that's the way i am with everything though. if i'm told to do something, i delay it until it absolutely has to be done. i hate being told what to do with my life. just let me live it, experience it for myself. let me make mistakes! that's how you fucking learn! anyways. so my birthday is soon. yay. i really don't have any emotion about it. 21. who cares. it's just another day. i'm buying myself a cake though. lol. mike is going to decorate it. we figured out tonite that joe is 66 years old. 66 and he's always concerned with my business. lol, he should get a life! everyone has been blowing me off lately. i had plans to go out at least 5 different times in the last 5 days, and i haven't gone out once. probably better off that way though. i've been getting so many weird hits from google, along with the tons of lyric hits. people search for some fucked up things. still didn't hear from jess or joe. i doubt i will too. oh well, they're busy enough together. as long as they're happy. justin called me a few times, but we never got to talk. he was always talking to my answering machine, like everyone else. lol. he goes back to the navy on the 10th. yeah, now i've got nothing else to talk about, so take care diary, until next time.... i've never felt alone-til i met you-i'm all right on my own-and then i met you-and i'd know what to do-if i just knew what's coming-i would change myself if i could-i'd walk with my people-if i could find them-and i'd say that i'm sorry to you-i'm sorry to you ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
