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(9:07 pm - 01.02.2002 - another year - i feel  ) i ended up spending new years at mom's. she begged me to stay another day, but i just couldn't. my brother picked me up around 8pm, and mom and i ended up going to walmart around 10pm. she needed to get some things for new year's day dinner. we spent over four fucking hours in the store. we spent two hours just shopping for groceries, and then another two shopping for everything else. we were looking at shampoo when the new year hit. how xciting. so yes, happy new year everyone. i didn't make a new year's resolution either, what's the fucking point, when i know i won't keep it. here, i'll make one anyways, i will go to college this year. there, that's my resolution. back to mom, i was as patient as i could be with her. everytime i tried to walk away, even 15 feet, she'd call out my name. she didn't want me to leave her side. she burst into tears at one point. and at another she just hugged me for what seemed like five straight minutes. i definitely don't feel strong enough to be around her all the time. it hurts too fucking much. her driving wasn't all that bad. i do think everyone passed us. she is just so... fucking different! all these drugs have certainly changed her personality somewhat. i'll be even more scared to see what happens if she does go through with the ect treatments. we did have a little conversation about the things i am thinking about. she didn't seem all too happy about them. my mom is clueless to what i do, what i'm thinking, and what's going on in my mind. maybe i'll just leave her in the dark.... but i don't think i can do that. i want her to be happy for me. but anyways.... mom and i got home around 3:30am, after driving around pittsburgh for awhile. she made us a sandwich and we watched 'stir of echoes'. which we have both seen before. around 5:30am mom decided she wanted to go to bed, and so did i. i did get up around noon the next day, but mom didn't get up at all. i waited all fucking day for her to get up, but she never left her room. i desperately wanted to come home, but i have no transportation. i had to wait for my brother to come back. finally around 7pm, my mom paged my brother. he showed up around 7:15 and went straight to the bathroom, like he always does. mom fell back asleep on the couch. my fucking brother left again. i wanted to "wait, get me the fuck out of here!" i was tired, achy, and hungry. but he left. so i sat there until 10pm when he finally showed up again. thankfully i had gotten ready to leave, so mom got up and kept on apologizing for not getting up and making the traditional new year's day dinner. i didn't care, i just wanted to go home. she threw some pork and other things in a bag for me. i left, and when i got home i noticed i left my yogurt in her fridge! fucking figures. that's all i was in the mood for, but i couldn't have it! and of course my refrigerator was empty. but, it didn't matter too much. i wasn't even hungry by that time. i just wanted to sleep. i ended up passing out around 5am this morning. all day the phone wouldn't stop ringing. a few hangups, my uncle kept on calling, and some other people i didn't care about hearing from. no one understands that when i spend time with my mom, afterwards, i just want to retreat.... hide from everyone and cope with things alone. but anyways, i could have gone out with starz on new years day, and i had something else to do, but i couldn't do anything. i forgot a few things that i needed to do at moms, and everything that day just turned out badly. i do eventually screw up everything i do. so anyways, i was talking to shari a few days ago, and she told me she was gay. that's fucking awesome. i'm so proud. lol. i think we're planning to go out sometime on saturday after i get home from going out with starz. lol. saturday is booked. hopefully i'll get to do everything i want to do that day. i was browsing around on diaryland today, reading some different diaries, and from most of the teenage diaries i read there was a general theme: "i'm so wasted, i did shots of *alcoholic drink*, *alcoholic drink*, and i drank about ten *alcoholic drink*. i forget what else i drank. i'm so hungover....." funny. i don't know why most teenagers just have to drink. it's not a 'cool' thing to do. i mean, some teenagers are more concerned about where their next drink is coming from, rather than what's going on in the world. i just find that ridiculous and pathetic. and of course, it's not just teenagers. i'm almost 21, and i really don't have a big desire to go out and get 'blasted', 'wasted', or whatever else. drinking can be fun in moderation. it can help you loosen up, but too much can be harmful. so that's that. so now i'm going to be late for work! what else is new! i love working though. i just can't believe how fucking awful it was on the 30-31st.. so much fucking work. just plain awful. at least doug wasn't there. so now, i've got to get going, here come the most predictable lyrics i've ever used. lol..... all is quiet on new year's day-a world in white gets underway-i want to be with you-be with you night and day-nothing changes on new year's day-on new year's day ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
