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(7:27 pm - 10.06.2001 - don't you just love family? - i feel  ) just too much to deal with. that�s how it�s been lately. i haven�t been keeping up with my updates, not for any reason, really. i have just so much to say, and i can never say it how i want to. today is such a crappy day. i can�t even begin to describe my emotions. all i feel is emptiness and sadness. not even the things that make me the happiest seem to work right now. yuck! i hate it! i hate this! i hate me. well. this is going to end up to be two entries, cause i don�t wanna make this one hella-long. =P i feel absolutely sick right now. i don�t remember what went on awhile ago (4-5 days ago), but that�s where it all began. i can�t just introduce another player into my twisted life, that�s why i�ve never written about him before. now, i thought i could deal with this situation �easily-. maybe i�m having a little more trouble coping with his feelings. i thought, �ok, this isn�t going to be anything but some fun!� but one way or another, one person always ends up wanting more. (unless of course, there�s that slight possibility that they both end up right in the middle, but that doesn�t seem to be happening with me lately). so my only way to deal with it is total avoidance. something i hate doing, and don�t know why i do.... but it always ends up happening. but i really don�t mean it to. that�s just the way i work. with every problem i have, i just avoid it, until, hopefully, it might get better. that�s an awful way to be. it�s so hard to change though. i don�t know how else to describe this situation, so that�s it for now. it�s all my fault, i threw myself into these situations. i should stop doing this to myself. but oh well, what�s done is done. can�t change to too much now. hopefully i�ll just know better later on. mark and i are totally on the same page now, and i love him for that. i couldn�t be happier (well, yeah i could, but in different circumstances). the thing that kills me, is that �every- time i talk to him, i just end up wanting to be with him! thankfully he knows me better than i do =D hehe. infact, i think we�re happier now than we have been since this year started! how sick is that?!?! how come one of the best things in my life, is so far away from me? i can�t deal with that. that is just unfair. yeah, yeah, life isn�t fair. well you think, just once, it would be. not even a chance. on friday morning i was crawling into bed around 7:15 am, and my phone rings. who the hell would call me that early in the morning? i thought if it was a telemarketer i�d rip their ears or something off. but i picked it up (yeah, i know! i never answer my phone unless i know who�s calling, everyone knows that!) and i said hello, sort of like a question. then i hear this guy calling me names, etc. =D i knew the voice!!! it was justin!! i was so damn happy! (really the only spectacular thing that happened this week). i must�ve said �hi!� like 10 times. i was so happy to hear from him! he didn�t tell me when he�d be able to call me again, and i was just ecstatic. so we talked for a little bit, and then he had to go back to work. i was so happy i know i had tears! so i was lying there, all happy, and my phone rang again.... lol, it was my mom at like 7:45am! omg! i knew ray was leaving this weekend and mom asked me if i wanted to come visit with her for awhile. so we tried to figure out how i was gonna get up there, since she can�t drive. she said she�d call back later with details. so i tried to sleep for a bit, and justin called again around 11 =D all morning my phone was ringing. i was dead tired. so mom called back around quarter after 1 and said she�d be here around 2:30. so i slept a bit more then got up and got ready. wrote mark a quick email and told him i was going up there, and i was about to call justin and tell him where i�d be, but i looked out the window, and mom was here, so i left. and here comes the depressing stuff. so i know my mom is all wacked-out right now. i totally understand that. but, actually seeing her like that, shaking and crying, etc. it was almost too much to take. i haven�t been around her to know what she�s like anymore, and to witness what her drugs do to her.... it is just upsetting. that combined with the family.... it�s not good. everyone thinks that she should just get over what happened. they �all- think it�s just because of brad. no, it�s definitely not just that. i know that and try to defend her the best that i can. they are all just too dense and full of pride to actually realize what she�s going through. i�d really like to smack them all sometimes. now don�t get me wrong. i love my aunts, pup pup, etc. (of course not brad, duh) my aunt hennie is so sweet to me, and always has been. but for them to say that my mom �abandoned- me, no that�s not the case. fuck, i�m 20 yrs old. i�ve been taking care of myself for quite awhile now. i realize that i�ve made some major mistakes with my life. i know i should have never quit my job. like they don�t pound that into my head every time i talk to them. i know i should have gone to college right after high school. they don�t know that i do regret some of my decisions. but i do. i really, really do. i wish i was half done with college by now, not unsure if i�ll even go next year. ahhhh! i switched subjects without even realizing it! i suck!!!! at everything!!!!! so fucking anyways, yes, my aunts care about me. but they don�t know me. they have no idea i am even the slightest bit suicidal. if they even knew half of what i am feeling, they�d put me away. just watching my mom this weekend, i don�t want to end up going through that. i know it�ll probably happen. so anyways, when i told my aunt hennie that i was gonna go back to ge and try to get my job back, she said �her heart filled up�.... and she was so proud. fuck that. she just didn�t wanna see me go on welfare. all she cares about is my social-status. if i go back to ge, i�d have insurance, etc. she is/was afraid that i�d just be too lazy to even find another job. that makes me so freaking mad. another thing. i�m not sure if i wrote about it or not..... apparently, some of my family believes that i got fired for shoplifting!!!!! motherfuckers!!!!!!! that makes me sooo mad!!!! so fucking mad. they don�t even know me, how can they fucking judge their own family??? ahhhhh! i never thought our family was like this! fucking backstabbing assholes! damn, i am mad. i've got nothing to gain, to lose-all the world i've seen before me passing by-you don't care about how i feel-i don't feel it any more ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
