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(6:13 am - 10.08.2001 - so did i mention i love mark? - i feel  ) so anyways. see, i'm such a slacker. i thought i'd write another entry right after that last one, but i was just too mad to think about all that any longer. yeah. so. my poor mom. i don't feel anything but helpless when i'm around her, talking to her, thinking about her, etc. it really did kill me to watch her go through everything that she is. i just never imagined that she'd end up like this, and it's totally affecting me. i knew it would, but i did a pretty good job of not thinking about it. being there with her, witnessing her breakdown in the car, having her shaking so damn much that she can't even sign her own name.... how badly i needed to cry right then, but knowing i couldn't do that in front of her. it's so damn hard. i've been so selfish lately. i feel awful about everything i've been thinking. how much i'd like to die sometimes. i just couldn't do that right now. no matter how much i think about it, want to do it, etc. i just can't. while she was driving me home, she started crying again, just talking about how it feels like i'm the mother and she's the daughter. i don't feel i can handle everything. i wanted soooo badly to cry, but i couldn't! i need to be strong, for her. no one truly knows what she's going to, and most of them aren't even fucking -trying- to understand! i'd just like to tell them to fucking fuck off! damnit! i'm just such a good actress, that i can easily hide my true feelings if i need to. i must admit, my mom hasn't been on my mind in the past months. man, has that changed. with all this time alone, with nothing to do, i think wayyyy too much for my good. not about anything good either! you'd think i'd use my time for something good. maybe i could try and learn something, anything new. no. the last book i read? haha. 'feel this book' by janeanne garofalo and ben stiller. just pure comedy there. nothing intellectual at all. well.... i lied. i think to some extent it is intellectual. they both have a quite expansive vocabulary. that doesn't help me at all, i can never speak correctly when i need to, so fuck that. man, do i ever get off the point, or what!!?! so anyways. mat called me on saturday nite. he's a sweetheart. he doesn't know whether or not he'll be moving back to mississippi. i think he should stay where he is until he feels stable enough to move along. i think that's when he'll end up doing in the end anyways. brrrr! omg! it's so fucking cold right now. i think i can actually see my breath in the house! and the backspace key is my best friend right now, cause i'm shaking so badly i can't touch the right keys! oh wow. so the whole justin thing is all crazy. not like it was ever normal. thank god for mark. he puts everything in perspective! i love him so much! hehe. well anyways, justin... ummm. not much to say here. he's been calling like he was before, and he's coming home to ohio on december 18th. i thought it was gonna be much sooner than that. i just want him home. i don't really know why. it'll be weird to talk to him knowing he's not on some huge navy ship though. omg, and the fact that his cell phone won't hang up on me every five minutes! lol. so i'm guessing he and amy are fine right now, but the girl that he was involved with before (2yrs ago) called him up one day and wanted him back, and then threatened to kill herself if he didn't take her back. crazy stuff! he seemed a little upset about it, but there isn't much he can do. i don't know what to do about this kid! i enjoy talking to him, i care about him a -lot- for the little time i've known him, etc. lately i've wanted to tell him to not call me anymore. but i just couldn't do that cause we are friends. there's just a little more to the story, that i'm leaving out. (haha, i know some things in my life i gotta keep personal!-too bad!) but anyways. he just plain confuses me. but, moving on..... did i mention that i love mark? haha. everything with him is almost perfect right now. it's divine! hehe. but i'm stupid, what do i know? haha, maybe we're using each other, but it works for us. lol. i'll shut up about this...... jess came home this weekend, and they called me saturday nite to go watch a movie, but i was trashed. i felt like crap, and i just wanted to be in bed. pms at it's best. i know i have to apologize/write to someone soon. i should have done that quite awhile ago, and i'll do it soon enough :( you know who i'm talking about, sorry!) so now i believe i have about $2 in my bank account, well, that's probably an over-estimate. and my dogs need food. great! just great! errrr. it's funny though. before i go out, i'll feed them, and when i come home the dish will still be pretty much full. i guess they figure i might not be home soon enough to feed them, so they conserve. how cute is that? when i came home from my mom's i believe the dish was just as full as i had left it. sometimes these dogs are smarter than i am. but for the most part, they are idiots! lol. well, so am i! omg. to top off coming home from mom's, i unlocked the door, and looked inside the house, and saw the freezer door fucking wide open. seems it had been open for a full day, cause there was water all over the floor, and everything inside was thawed out! god, i hate this fucking house soooo much! the shower just won't drain, so i can't do anything about getting it unclogged until it's empty, but what do i do for a shower??? i hate it. on friday it was overfilling, and that lead to flooding my bathroom floor to about an inch of water. in turn, all that lovely water, made it's way through the floor boards, and leaked through the downstairs ceiling. fucking great. so not only was the upstairs soaking wet, so was lots of the living room. that water dripped all over the -white- couch. it's all a pretty sight. hopeless. fuck it. blah, blah, blah! i never think i have anything to write about, and here i am, writing for a half an hour. mom spent $95 on me. got a few new clothes (which i needed badly). so that was really nice. i still think my brother owes me $$, which i desperately need right now!!! but i know if i call him up and ask him, he'll delay paying me back until i just get frustrated with him. so, what's the use? mark says he'll send me some $$, but i feel awful about that. oh damn. i didn't live up to the promise to myself of getting my job back last week. haha. i'm the best procrastionater i know. give me a task to do, and i'll put if off for soooo long. it's not even funny. it's pathetic. my mom is about to jump down my throat if i don't get some work soon. and yeah, my aunt, gee, she might cry if i don't work towards my 'american dream' soon. ***here's me rolling my eyes*** yeah, and man, i wrote my dad a fairly long email about a week ago, and he never responded! wtf! then i get an email today, subject line, happy sunday! he just wrote to me about the email that my brother sent him. we just needed him to ride me home from mom's but, that didn't happen. well damn. i'm tired, cold, and i have a headache now, so i'm off. ummm. goodnite/morning? yeah, sure. i hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why-everything gotta change around me-i'd tell it to your face-but you lost your face along the way ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
