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(2:00 pm - 10.16.2002 - blessing or curse - i feel  ) you know, i was just sitting here, typing out a bunch of letters, forming words, words forming sentences. and i don't know why. at times this diary can be a blessing, and others, a curse. when mark got mad at my for writing how i really felt way back when, or when someone gets upset cause i don't mention them, it's a curse. but when you connect with someone who reads your thoughts, and have a place to vent all your frustrations, it's a blessing. my diary is basically filled with day to day bullshit. i don't tend to write what i think about national things, or philosophical things. that doesn't mean that i don't care, or think about said things. i really do keep things to myself. around my family(whenever that happens), when everyone is talking, i sit there silent, just taking it all in. forming my own opinions, but not sharing them. my mom thinks i act like silent bob a lot, and the rest of them are all "jays". which is true. yep. don't know why i decided to write that, but i did. whatever, on to the boring details of my day to day life. dreams have been interesting lately, as always. one dream included my dad, masturbation, and shaq. fucking insane. last nite i dreamt about my step sister. last nite i did something i'll never do again. ever. i ate mc donald's and then fell asleep. never do that. trust me. i've just been working, driving aimlessly, sleeping, and watching movies. i turned the tables on my former "stalker". this guy used to stalk me when i was a cashier. i saw him about a week ago, and followed him home. what's wrong with me? i'm pretty sure he lives with his mother, he's in his 30's, and lives in a extremely rich part of town. after seeing him, i couldn't stop thinking about him. i have serious problems. well, then monday, i drove by his house, and then he came breezing by in his car. i decided that i'd leave him a note and a rose. and i did. the note had my number in it. he called a little later that day. he said he'd call the next day, but never did. again, i ask, what's wrong with me? i'm seriously fucked. i think justin read my diary. no problem. will it be a blessing or a curse? i hardly get to talk to the kid anymore since he's so in love with his girlfriend. she's having a baby, and he's going to help raise it. so basically, justin's gonna be a daddy. weird stuff. the good charlotte concert is tomorrow (sold out)! hopefully mom will let me keep the car for it and then i can take it over to her on friday? i want to keep the car!! i think i'm taking my test next week. well, that means i have to make an appointment. which means i will have to call mom and ask her what day she wants to go. so right after i write this, i must call mom, and then make an appointment. must. the new taproot album, welcome, came out yesterday. i'm loving it. but the single poem is getting some good airplay here. i don't like that. i hate when i like a band and they start getting lots of attention. well, whatever, it's better for them to have a larger fan base, so yeah. i bought nik a copy too. i left the cd in the bestbuy bag, and hung it to his front door. i wonder if he knows i did it. he should. i just can't wait for the audiovent concert next month. i can't wait to meet them. hopefully they won't be dicks to me. most of the time, i never want that phone to ring, but at the times i'm desperate for it to, it never does. such is life. i hate being the girl, waiting by the phone. so helpless. so pathetic. a little depressed lately. not so serious. almost halloween time. still haven't been to a haunted house. i've been thinking about drugs a lot lately. don't know why. all in one week, i finished go ask alice, a book about a teenager that gets totally involved with drugs, and then dies, watched trainspotting, and some other shit that i can't remember. sometimes i really want to try drugs. any drugs. but i doubt i ever will. i have a very addictive personality, so it's probably the best thing to stay away. i bought a few cds lately. chevelle "wonder what's next", queens of the stone age "songs for the deaf", good charlotte "young and the hopeless" and of course taproot "welcome". i think that's it. all kick ass. chevelle. wow. dave grohl. a drumming god. i want to meet him. taproot has this slower song. all quite good. what else to say? it's getting so cold. i actually had a layer of ice on my windshield one morning. you know the rule, i before e except after c. well, what about heinz? it's not hienz. guess it doesn't necessarily apply to formal names. but yeah. hmm, should i bring gc a present? i'm not sure yet. and what about taproot? i don't know... can you absolutely love someone and yet, hate the fact that you love them? i hate that feeling. still haven't seen dave moore. sorry mark. i think, sunday nite, i was driving on this scary road. you know, one of those roads that have an urban legend associated with them? well, this road, isn't paved, winds all the up this hill, with dangerous curves and is totally isolated. well, i decided to drive up there one nite by myself. you're supposed to drive up to the top, and then drive back down with your lights off. which would be fucking crazy, cause it's pitch black all around. looking in your rear view mirror and seeing nothing but blackness is frightening. i turned off my lights a few times to give myself a little scare. fun stuff. well, when i got off the unpaved road and back into society, i had to attach my mirror to the car since it's broken. while doing that i heard this sound. like a crow, or something. i turned down my music all the way and listened to the sound. it sounded like it was moving closer. so i turned the car to point my headlights to where the sound was coming from. i saw two eyes shining back at me. it was a poor little kitty cat in the middle of the road, dying. i never ever want to hear that sound again. i drove back the next day, and it was gone, but i think i saw some cat guts on the road. sick. should i continue stalking my stalker? see, i'm thinking about him even now. what's wrong with me? it was perfect sleeping weather last nite. kinda cold, rainy, and dark. i ended up talking to mark for awhile, and then going back to bed. stupid mc donald's. never again. i didn't get up until this afternoon either. how am i so tired? am i dreaming so much that i'm not getting restful sleep? now i feel weird. adam talked to me today. i didn't really care to talk to him. why should i? for once, i had someone off my buddylist that i didn't put back on, just to see if they were on. he went *poof* from my life. better that way. goodbye adam. don't talk to me ever again. along with matt and barry. goodbye. and take care simon. there, i think that's it. hopefully with the dismissal of you, i'll leave the door open for others. i want to take a hot shower. and i must call mother. heh. take care all. love and hugs. forward yesterday-makes me wanna stay-what they said was real-makes me wanna steal-livin' under house-guess i'm livin'-i'm a mouse-all's i gots is time-got no meaning-just a rhyme-take time with a wounded hand-cause it likes to heal-take time with a wounded hand-cause i like to steal ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 