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(4:59 am - 07.15.2003 - no hope - i feel  ) you find one person you'd invest all your time, money, and thought into, and they are able to crush you with the simplist thing. ugh. i'm feeling way too down right now. i started this day off with high hopes. why haven't i learned by now to not hope for the best no matter what. nothing, nothing, nothing ever turns out the way i want it to. fucking pity party bullshit. how did i fall in love with her? how is this at all possible? and why? why her? why now? tonite i found out she had me on a one touch dial on her cell phone, but she didn't have amee on. bright spot. maybe i'm just wishing for too much. maybe i'm trying to push things along much faster than i should. she told me she loved me, she gave me flowers. she put up that poster, just for me. she made me call off tonite. she makes herself seem so interested, but when it comes down to it, i don't think it's there on her part. what to do, what to do? well, the first half of tonite was cool. went over jeanettes, then picked up mikey, my gay husband. from there we went to kings and ate. fun. then we went to the bowling alley. i called off of work from there with her cell phone. that's when i found out i was on her one touch dialing. we bowled. fun. mike paid for freaking everything! i took them on the scary road. i took them to the fancy ass rich people road and we looked over all the little cheap towns. she said i was awesome. she said she loved me. we went to her house and mikey gave us a light show. some guy downstairs told her he had some shit, but she was broke. mikey gave her money. she got her shit. we smoked a little. we took mikey home. she and i came back, and it's always the same thing. we were listening to morning view and i got inspired to go downstairs and lay in the grass outside. she followed. a cop watched us. she wanted to go back upstairs, and we did. same thing. always. this time, i ended up feeling stupid, and cried. seems that she didn't care. almost fell asleep. just decided to leave, quickly. home now, feeling like this. part of me wants her to stay away from me. treat me like she did before. part of me wants her to call me right now to make sure everything's ok. that'll never happen, so why even think it? tomorrow i'm sure to get bitched out at work. nothing matters anymore. i only care about her, and making her happy. why? wish i didn't. i never eat, i never sleep. she's really fucking me up. nothing else to say. except, i'll probably regret writing this, cause i did it as soon as i got home, and my emotions are running high. so yeah. ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 