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(10:35 am - 09.18.2003 - annoyed - i feel  ) things. i'm on here in a bad mood, so i don't know how this entry will turn out. right now jeanette is upstairs, probably sleeping, i got out of bed and said "i can't be here." and she said "where will you be?" i replied "i don't know." left and closed the door. part of me wants to leave. and another part of me wants her to come downstairs and be here for me. but that's obviously not happening. in a ton of ways, she is like a guy. mostly in the way she acts. i do everything for this girl, and she has a total guy mentality when it comes to comforting me when i'm upset. she always comes before me. i wish i knew how to go about changing that. we got high this morning with john. awkward thing. jeanette and i were lying on the bed and he walked by the door i had open and clearly saw us. i wonder what he thought. you don't even know how badly i'd like to be upstairs with her right now, doing things that i want to do. but i'm not going to, because as always, it's her needs before mine. maybe i'll just sleep down here today. like she'll even care. ugh. i detest feeling like this. i've never been around someone so much before. i could handle it for awhile, but now, when i want to be alone, i fucking want to be alone. this girl never wants to be alone. maybe for the first time, last nite, she did. but it was only for about an hour and a half. she worked last nite and i didn't. eight and a half glorious hours to myself. i spent the first 4 sleeping and the others doing laundry, cleaning, and coloring my hair. me time. i think i need more of that to be evcn happier. my eye is spazzing out. i think i'm about to have a stroke. i have the biggest, blackest hickey on my neck. it's fucking insane. i still can't believe she went down on me. i was the first girl she couldn't get off though. heh. i was thinking way too much about why would she even want to do that to me? i wouldn't even want to do that to me. must've been all those girls gone wild tapes we watched. heh. too much information? sorry, my diary. wow. i feel like a huge bitch. i am a huge bitch. jeanette doesn't like john, and i kind of told him off the other week. we didn't talk for a bit, then i apologized. then he came to me with a problem, and i didn't realize how serious the problem was, and i kind of said the wrong thing, and he got completely upset. he made me fucking cry. then he cried. a lot. it was insane. things are weird with him now. i feel awful about it too. john is a good friend to me, but not to jeanette. she gets all jealous when he talks to me, just cause she thinks he wants me. which is definitely not true. he just likes how i think, and he's comfortable talking to me. mom came home from vacation. she bought jeanette and i t-shirts, license plates, toe rings, towels and salt water taffy. my dad told jeanette to come back out to his place like a million times. i think my brother wanted me to kiss jeanette in front of him. i called him over to the car cause i wanted to know exactly what mom told him and when he came over he said "what, you got something to show me?" but he thinks she's cool. my dad has a new girlfriend, charlene. which is totally freaky cause that's my mom's name! she's pretty young and she has her nipples pierced. you could totally tell thru her tank top. she likes my music though. jeanette's new place is infested with cockroaches. great. she wants to move out and anytime she has to go there she comes back in a bad mood. she suggested we look for a place together, then yesterday she tells me maybe she can't live with someone. it's practically like we live together now, but it would be different, and frankly, i don't think i could live with someone. i found my blessed caffeine pills on ebay. thank lord. they were banned in all the gas stations, and i cannot wait to get them. they are a bottle of pure happiness. i'm defintely anticipating the arrivals of those cute little black and yellow pills. wow this was quite a huge catch up entry, huh? i wish i was tired. i desperately want to be sleeping to keep all these thoughts from running thru my head. the thing that pisses me off the most about this jeanette thing, is that i know, know, i'm going to end up getting hurt, so why the fuck am i putting myself thru it anyhow? am i that desperate? guess so... i know the second she's allowed to be with durbin (her ex) she'll ditch me. but we're not even fucking together!! everything is so fucked. my mind changes constantly about every thought and emotion concerning this. it's really tearing me in two. blech. i need a hug. umm, hello, perfect lyrics.... the devil has my ear today-i'll never hear of what you say-promised i would find a little solace-and some piece of mind-whatever just as long as i don't feel so-desperate and ravenous-i'm so weak and powerless over you ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 