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(3:57 pm - 11.28.2001 - depressed much? - i feel  ) isn't that picture next to my entry so fine!?! tovah wants it to stay up for awhile, so it will. lol. at least someone can take a minute out and sign my guestbook! thank god i can make someone happy. seems life is shit for me right now. no matter what i do, say, think, or how i act, none of it pleases anyone. i'm not writing about that though. no, sorry. but aside from that, nothing new is really happening. i had two days off of work. oh joy. i ended up doing absolutely nothing. i cleaned the house up a bit, and slept the rest away. some things have been weighing on my mind, and i needed some time to think them over. found out, all i need is more time to think things over. mark and i had a talk last nite. interesting to say the least. fuck. anyways. he said he isn't in a romantic stage. that's fine. why should we be romantic with each other if we're not 'together'? it makes sense. starting to clear things up a bit for me. i still don't know what i want. guess it'll be figured out for me. that's what i want. someone to make all my decisions for me. not like i think for myself to begin with, but... nevermind. it's only 4pm, but it feels much, much later. it's been raining all day. lovely. i wish it was like this all the time. dreary. wet. dark. makes me feel comfortable. makes me feel anti-social. makes me feel alone. i am alone. it just makes me -realize- i am alone. how sad. no. not really. i think i'm going to call mom today. i know she loves it when i call. i always feel guilty when i don't. she did want me to visit on friday and saturday, but i work on friday. damn. i forget which day the nascar banquet is on, i know she wanted to have me there for that. she'll be insanely depressed when they give the tribute to dale earnhardt. poor mom. why did all this shit happen? damn. i've never felt more helpless. in everything. i am not doing anyone any good. i shouldn't exist today. i shouldn't exist any day. looks like i'm not in a happy mood today. why should i be? i hate how up and down my moods are. i need drugs. strong ones. marilyn was telling me about these anti-depressants she takes. she said they worked. prozac did nothing for me. too bad i don't have a health plan to get any treatments, etc. i won't even get my fucking weeks paid vacation. damn! ge is totally screwing me over. that's bullshit. i wasn't even gone for that long. i should have come back to the same pay, same benefits, same fucking everything. fuckers. i wasn't even that sad/mad when i started this entry. i think i need a hug. i wonder who i can get to hug me tonite? hmmmm. maybe i should listen to some upbeat music. i don't want to go to work like this. my dogs look so sweet sleeping. awww. that makes me smile. i think i'm going to work on a mix tape now. that might cheer me up.... i hope. a promise or a dare-i would jump if i knew you'd catch me-staring over the edge-i can't tell if you'll be here for me-i close my eyes and make a wish-turn out the lights and take a breath-pray that when the wick is burned-you would say that it's all about love ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 