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(7:48 am - 09.02.2003 - such a pussy - i feel  ) one of the most annoying things to me is when i have the tv on, and i hear my cell phone ringing, or hear the sound that it makes when i get a new text message, and then realize that the sound came from the tv. stupid realistic sounds. i've been completely faked out way too much lately. i've been thinking about moving my diary so i can write without abandon, without worrying who might be reading it. sure, if someone had enough ambition they could easily find me, and i guess i'd be ok with that. there are certain things i'd like to write about but aren't known by some people who read this... or don't read this, i'm not really sure anymore. so maybe i should just say "fuck it" and write whatever i want in here. come totally clean. but i'm too much of a pussy and i'll probably not move, and continue shading over the truth in here. it feels awful though. there are some of you who i'd like to know the things about me that aren't apparent. seeing as i've been pretty much alone for the past 3 days or so, besides john coming over yesterday morning, i've been thinking way too much. when i'm around jeanette or at work, i don't think too much about other things. when i'm around jeanette, i rarely think about things that upset me. it's almost been 2 weeks since i've talked to mark, and honestly, i haven't even thought about it that much, and when i have, it's only been a passing thought. how can someone that knew pretty much everything about me be disregarded that easily? i spent 3 years of my life, sharing myself with him, and him with me, and just that easily i let it go. and i feel damn guilty admitting that it feels.... really good. i still care about the boy, but when i'd talk to him, i'd only feel bad about myself. so toxic. so resist, unlearn, defy. but, for a change, let me write about jeanette some more... i finally know how i feel about things! i'm so happy. i'm not letting myself fall in love with the girl. sure, i care about her, but i know i couldn't be in a committed relationship with her. but that's not going to prevent me from not doing things with her. i'm going to experience whatever the hell i want to for once. it might not be the best decision, but, it's what i want to do. and it works out quite well for the both of us. rock. so, it's september. about fucking time. i detest summer. i cannot wait for the cold weather to kick in so i can put my blessed hoodie on. hoodies own. and i cannot wait to sleep in my bed without the air conditioner blasting, and so i can search the house for clean socks to wear cause my toes turned into popsicles. i cannot stop staring at the girl on the right on laura's diary. goodgoddamn! all of a sudden, i'm obsessed with lips. i'm really bored, waiting for my duvet cover and sheets to dry. making sure everything is nice for the girl to come back. happiness. i think i'm going to post this before i think about it too much and end up deleting most of it. family guy is the funniest show. ever. ps. i adore caffeine pills to no end. they will be the death of me. burn these words from our lips-as the dagger screams-"love is dead."-and it's a "newspaper tragedy."-have we lost what we love?-have we said everything?-does it change everything?-stare at the clock-avoid at all costs-this emptiness ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 