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(12:06 pm - 12.06.2001 - are you as frustrated as i am? - i feel  ) so i haven't written in a few days. i think i'm going through a kind of ... hmm. just plain sadness. but why write about that when the whole world is filled with so much of it? can't escape it. everytime i go to write that darn word, i can never remember how to spell it. lmao. how freaking pathetic. ask any third grader, and they'd be able to spell escape. not me. i always want to put an x in there somewhere. i need some education! some learning would almost be therapeutic right now. i need something to throw myself into. i've been looking for something to do to get my mind off of the depressing things. this diary i thought would help, but it only brings the depression to the surface. how can i write upliftingly (did i just make that word up?) when it just doesn't seem that there's anything uplifting? i guess that's why i spend more time changing my layout then writing actual entries. i've been thinking about just helping people with their layouts. that might be fun for me. but, i don't know. i'm not that good at all this yet to start something like that. i know a few things... but there's always so much more! i started writing in a different diary, but, i'm not inspired to write in it. just stories. nothing important. basically useless and empty stuff. nothing that matters. i do like the colors on there though.. maybe i'll change my layout to that one soon. i helped tovah with her dropdown menu yesterday. that was fun, to say the least. lol. i love diaryland! the only downside is, since i've gotten my gold membership, it should apply to all the diaries i have. not just this one. it'd be nice if it applied to all your diaries. but hey. whatever. i had two days off, and i didn't do anything! i called starz on tuesday. i needed to go out and get some christmas shopping started. i didn't fall asleep until 3pm. she called around 4:30 and then 5:45. i was so exhausted and deep in dreaming, that i didn't even hear the phone ring. that rarely happens. i felt so bad though. i didn't wake up until 9pm, too late to go out. it would have taken me an hour to get ready, and by then all the stores (except for wal-mart, or course) would be closed. but, i called her back anyways to apologize. i told her if she wanted to go out at all this week, she can call. she didn't. fuck. i haven't even started shopping yet. i'm definitely not in the mood for christmas this year. but, once i get shopping, i won't want to stop. i'm being greedy this year! i'm so rotten! not just now, but always! i checked my wishlist and it said someone bought my estd2 video from 311 for me! that has to be wrong! who bought it? i'll be so happy if i get it! i can't wait to see the whole thing!!! hehe. i'm such a greedy bitch though. i hate me! yesterday i stayed up for about 28 hours. went to bed around 1am, and then i got up at fucking 7am? what the hell is wrong with me??? when i want to do nothing but sleep, i can't! i totally screwed myself over! if i got up at 7am.. i work at 11pm.. until 7:30am... hmm. another day of staying up 24+ hours? i think i'm going to pass out. i know i don't work with marilyn tonite. damn. i hope i'm not the only female working tonite. i absolutely hate that! did i write about dave baker? hmmm. i forget. like i remember anything! well, anyways. on monday, there was a new guy at work. lol. dave baker. we went to the same high school together. he was a year above me. my old best friend, leanne, had an obsessive crush on this kid. it's just weird to have him there. too bad leanne doesn't talk to me anymore.. i bet she'd still like him. well, really, i don't know. i bet she's changed a lot. who knows. i had a dream about her. stupid dreams! at first, i was just on my porch talking to my neighbor, jennie. she said leanne called her to ask her if i still had something of hers. typical. i rolled my eyes and went back into the house. i looked outside of my front window and saw the houses down by the river on fire. then, my porch was on fire. not the whole thing though. just five separate perfectly round holes. i went outside and looked up to the roof, and that was smoking as well. every house had smoke coming out of it, somewhere. except for jennies. her house was brick in my dream. i just busted out and started sobbing. then a school bus went by. lol. yeah, and that was it. i don't even want to know what's going on in my subconscious mind... weird stuff. mark told me that he made a new friend. her name is maranda.. or something. he called her like 5 times or whatever. yeah. last nite, when i was dead tired, i walked down to ge. i needed some dogfood and i knew i didn't have anything in the house to eat. i didn't even 'get ready' or anything. i just threw on some nasty clothes, put my hoodie on, with the hood up too, shoes with no socks, my walkman, and went. i didn't really want to talk to anyone. but i ended up at least saying hello to everyone. lol. still, i think it was my quickest trip to ge ever. it was really weird to see so many customers in the store. lol. it didn't feel natural. i couldn't even imagine going back on daylight now. noooo way. everyone that is coming home, is going back to ge. i talked to joe and jess yesterday! they are both coming back. holly is already there. even jessica's sister, lindsay, is coming back! she hated it more than any of us. everyone always comes back. everyone! or, you just never leave. what have i gotten myself into???? lol. i'm going to forever be, a giant eagle employee....hopefully not. so anyways, this entry is all long and shit, so i'm ending it. i need someone-a person to talk to-someone who'd care to love-could it be you-situation gets rough-and i start to panic-it's not enough-it's just a habit-hey kid your sick-well darling this is it-you can all go kiss off into the air-behind my back-i can see them stare-they'll hurt me bad-but i won't mind-they'll hurt me bad-they do it all the time ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
