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(9:22 am - 11.21.2001 - no reason for living today - i feel  ) i feel dead? no, that's just what i wish i was. yuck. nothing is going great lately. you'd think with my mood of the last few days, someone would try and cheer me up, but that hasn't happened. even my gay boyfriend, mike, knew i was upset, and he didn't even hug me tonite. i wish i had the people i care about the most (you know who you are) around me all the time. not only would i be happier, when i got in moods like this, they'd be there to just hug me. i love hugs. and when they got in a funk like i am, i'd be the first one to offer up a hug for them. a smile is the most inexpensive, and easiest ways to brighten someone's day. why don't more people do it? why can't people make an effort to connect with others, on any level? it's really not that hard. it won't hurt. trust me. today some nice man was walking up the aisle i was in, i looked back at him and he gave me a big broad smile. seeing someone smiling makes me smile. and if everyone smiles, we can all get along. lol. in a perfect world, which this is not. but it's a start. i learned a few days ago, that mom likes to cut herself. great way to start off my day. apparently her doctor has her on some medication now, and when she doesn't take it, she likes to hurt herself. she told me that she had to lock herself in her room, so she couldn't get into the kitchen where the knives were. so she just dug into her arms with her fingernails. yes, and she wants us to get an apartment together. i love my mom, but even knowing that she's going through this is well enough for me to handle. i wouldn't be strong enough to witness it day in and day out. i'd break down. i practically already am. starz and i went out last nite and had a nice dinner. i treated her. it was nice. we laughed. i really enjoyed myself. i bought her a silly card and this hello kitty tin that she wanted. then we went to borders and i went out on a limb and bought a modest mouse cd. i haven't heard the before, but everyone tells me that i would like them. so i just bought it. hopefully it won't collect dust. i don't think it will. i almost bought a map, but i would have been sad everytime i looked at it. there were annoying teenage guys in the store. i dislike loud, annoying teenagers. they do not rule the world. i wanted to slap them. i'm so violent. lol. i almost bought the live radiohead cd that came out recently as well, but i didn't. that's all. only 9:35am? jesus, it feels like 2pm. i'm so very tired. so tired. i have a blister on my toe. great. everyone is changing-there's no one left that's real-to make up your ending-and let me know just how you feel-cause i am lost without you-i cannot live at all-my whole world surrounds you-i stumble then i crawl-you could be my someone-you could be my scene-you know that i'll protect you-from all of the obscene-i wonder what your doing-imagine where you are-there are oceans in between us-but that's not very far ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
