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(11:13 am - 11.16.2001 - my own world in vivid dreams - i feel  ) my dreams are so vivid, it's often hard to determine between them and reality. i xperieced this yesterday. i slept a good deal of the day away.. and then i couldn't tell what was real and what was not. what i know to be true, and what i was wishing was true. it was just weird. i love when i dream. i have dreams everynite. for the most part they are usually insignificant events that happen daily. when i was a cashier, i'd have dreams about customers, and boring things that i associated with work. after i quit i had dreams about what would be on the tv when i'd be sleeping. i'd become the main character in whatever was on. but sometimes i'd have dreams about people i long to be with, and things that i wish would happen. i can still, to this day, remember a dream i had about dave moore (my huge high school crush) and how his lips felt when he kissed me. they are just so damn vivid. i can remember a dream from when i was about 7-8 and had watched 'the lost boys' and i never had watched it since having that dream. i had one once about my mom. she had a part of her leg, from the middle of her calf, down, cut off, and she was hobbling around in the alley behind our house. soo damn vivid. it's like another world for me. somewhere no one else can go, but to me, it's what i know. maybe all that doesn't make sense to you. fuck, it doesn't even make sense to me. screw it. cause sometimes i have these really fucked up dreams. anyways, what was the point of this entry again? i forget..... help me find my way again. maybe if i didn't sleep with my tv on i wouldn't dream as much. i can't sleep without some background noise. and if i put on the radio, rather than the tv, i'd stay up all nite, singing. but there are those rare days, when i was oh-so-tired and i could easily fall asleep listening to deftones or radiohead. mmm radiohead. hehe. wait mmmm isn't the right descriptive word for radiohead. well, maybe mmm thom yorke... hmm. i am really just writing aimlessly right now. i have nothing interesting to say (i never do) and i didn't do shit tonite. oh wait. yes. i needed to tell the world (the one i've created in my mind, that only i know of) that i am a phone-whore. ok. for all the 'non-talking' i do... i really seem to be on the phone alot! aaaaallllllooooottttttt. mark called first, and woke me up. while i was on the phone with him both simon and justin called. then later on justin called, and we talked. then i got online to check my email and shit, and while i was messing around, mat sent me an email, so i signed onto aim and there he was! so we talked and he asked if it was too late for him to call me. it was basically afternoon time for me, so he called. lol. so yeah. i'm a phone-whore. i don't know why i get calls, since i -never- ever ever ever talk. ask any of the aforementioned people, and they'd all tell you the same thing. i am really shy and insecure. i don't like to be challenged about my ideals or beliefs. i would get a failing mark in debate. debate frightens me. but i'm open for discussion. i think of 'debate' and 'discussion' in two totally different ways. debate resembles arguing too much for my liking. that's why i avoid it. just like the confrontation issue. that's a big no. the conversation justin and i had was pretty interesting. i was pleased. lol everytime he tells me he loves me, he always adds on "as a friend." i just told him to shut up and not add that anymore, cause i don't love him anymore than a 'friendly' status. i smiled. i'm glad he called. i missed simons call and that pissed me off. i wanted to speak to him so badly. i actually had something to say to him too! figures. mat and i had good times a plenty. lol. it was late, and i don't remember much of what we talked about, but i do know we both enjoyed speaking to one another. like you care. i'll shut up. i even got to talk to jess on aim this morning! she says we might get to hang out over thanksgiving break. that'd be awesome! i'm not sure how long she'll be home though. i can't wait to get a joe hug!!!! i need one!! i miss them! i talked to nick a day or so ago, and he said he might even email me. lol. i think i should email jenn. yep. ok. i think every week there should be a get together day. you'd have to hang out with a friend that you haven't talked to in awhile. if they lived far away, they'd be magically transported to where you are, or vice versa. wouldn't that be rad? rad. i just love that word to bits (r) (a) (d) and there are the bits. as you might be able to tell, i'm a little off-the-wall.. not-stable today. well, it's everyday, but sometimes i'm just better at hiding it. over the span of my short life... i've tried to write in many diaries. well out of the countless unfinished ones, there stand one, just one very special completely finished diary. the book itself was a christmas present from laura kelly herself. and i even picked out which one i wanted. she inscribed it. it was written from january 25, 1999 until january 1, 2000. a prized possession in my hands. i was reading over it and i can't believe some of these things happened over two years ago. i remember some of these things like they were yesterday. some of the events seem like they happened ages ago. weird how that is. well, on my thoughts on june 28th, 1999.. and excerpt from my diary: since the summer has started my mom and i fight a lot. on the 12th i really wanted to go to shari's graduation party - so i asked my mom to ride me out there and she went all crazy and she actually had the nerve to call me 'spoiled.' - apparently she doesn't know the definition of that word. gee, i remember that wonderful day. there was more to it (she had hit me several times that day and bruised me - but i didn't include it). aren't ya glad i shared it with you? since my mom went 'crazy' (and understatement) she's actually realized that she was not 'mother of the year.' but i say 'forgive and forget'... it's just the forgetting part that gets in the way. i can't continue this entry, it's already long enough. so i looked in your direction-but you paid me no attention-do you-know you don't listen to me-cause you say you see straight me-don't you-from the moment I wake-to the moment I sleep-i'll be there by your side-just you try and stop me-i'll be waiting in line-just to see if you care-did she want me to change-but I change for good-and i want you to know-but you always get your way-i wanted to say-don't you shiver-and it's you i see-but you don't see me-and it's you i hear-so loud and clear-i sing it loud and clear-and i'll always be waiting for you ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents | 