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(4:15 pm - 09.13.2001 - confusing sweet justin - i feel  ) what to say. well. mark called last nite. we talked for a good while. everything was ok, but then we started talking about our past, etc. he cried, we discussed a little more, then he got completely quiet, and said he had to go. so weird. i'm not sure what he's thinking, and i don't even know if i should ask him about it. i didn't know how to respond to him. i have no clue why he cried. i'm concerned, but, i just don't know what to do. he said i turned my back on him around january, and he hasn't been happy since then. i mean, every relationship has bad come along with the good, but i think all he remembers is the bad, and that kills me. makes me feel like absolute shit. did i ever ever ever make him happy? i know i can remember times when there was nothing -but- him that made me happy. it sucks being alone. but i'm too damn emotional for him. i take everything the wrong way and that made him feel like he could never discuss anything with me. not like i'd ever like to talk about anything anyways. i just hate talking about myself and my problems. and i can't stand it when people offer suggestions as of what i should do to make myself better. i'm very independant and i'd much rather figure things out for myself. deep down, i know what i want, and what i have to do to get it. the first steps are always the hardest and i'm a weak person. yeah, so anyways.... justin called right before mark did, so i talked to him for a bit. lol, he's so ???? he said things with amy were bad. they got in a fight and he was just pissed. but when we were talking, she beeped in, and he didn't come back for a bit, so i just hung up. i figured they'd need to talk for a bit. that's when mark called. so after i got off the phone with mark, it was about 2am, and justin had left a message. so i called him back and left him a message cause he told me his phone would be on, etc. so i left it and went to sleep. then at lol 3:11am he called back (he has to be up 3 hours earlier since they're on the highest defense, etc). we talked for a little bit, he said that he and amy were fine. but he was doubting her. i can understand why. so he let me go back to sleep. funny thing, when i was talking to mark about him, he was like 'you like him!' lol, i denied it. i care about him a lot. ; ) around 9 he called me again. he was freaking out. apparently amy told him that she was lying to him. she didn't have cancer, she wasn't dying, etc. etc. she was seeing other guys. he was actually sobbing. but the sad thing is, he said he still wanted her. after everything. i felt so bad, and didn't know what to say. so he quickly said he had to go. then exactly an hour later, he called again. this time he was ok, i think he was crying a little. and then basically he asked me if i'd like to be with him. lol. first of all, he hasn't broken up with amy, fuck, they're freaking engaged!! he has to figure out all that stuff first before he even asks me anything. but of course i'm not going to say what i told him. i am so, not freaked out, but... geez! i don't know what to say about that. another long distance relationship... might be what i want to avoid. hmm ok. well i just got kicked offline, and i had 2 messages. one from my pup pup (thank god! victorious over the garbage man tonite, i hope!) and one from justin. 'hey liz, i have good news about me and amy. blah, blah, blah, i'd rather tell you myself, not on the answering machine, call me asap'. lol. god this boy is so confusing. as long as he's happy i'm happy. so anyways. i'm going to give the dogs a bath now, so i'll write more later. sigh-lets be blunt-i'm a little distracted-what do you want-headaches and bad faith-are all that i've got-first i misplaced the ending-then i lost the plot ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
