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(5:40 pm - 12.28.2001 - christmas and after... - i feel  ) well now. i thought i neglected my diary after two days, and here it is, what 5 days later? oh well. it happens. well christmas came and went. so yes, by the way, i hope all of you had a lovely holiday. whatever you celebrate, i hope it was wonderful. thanks to tovah for the card and pictures! christmas eve, my brother picked me up about an hour and a half late. usual. i actually remembered to bring everything. dad didn't bring grandma. it would have taken him too long to get her ready, so she spent christmas eve, alone, in front of the television. just awful. i bet she didn't even realize that is was christmas eve. we ate. i could definitely tell the difference in mom's cooking. even when i received her card in the mail, her handwriting had changed as well. brought me to tears. my mom isn't the same person she was. the doctors changed her meds yet again, and she says she feels much better than before. lets hope it stays that way. we did the gifts next, i didn't even know my brother had bought my mom a car until missy (my brother's x-girlfriend) told me. my dad had gotten me a gold necklace and his old ford explorer. my brother still needs to fix up a few things on it, so it's not 'mine' yet. and we have to work out the title change. then, it'll be mine. thank god my brother knows so much about cars, cause i am clueless! and i'm sure if i really got into trouble with my automobile, brad would help me out. lol. i did call him on christmas nite (mainly because my mom wanted to see if he'd pick up the phone) and i left him a message. "hi brad, it's liz, merry christmas. bye." i'm so fucking upset that he didn't call back. let me go weep about it now. my mom was quite surprised to get her car. too bad she can't drive it, because of all her medication. and i must mention, the main reason my dad gave me a car, was to give me a way to come and visit him. just a total guilt trip. his birthday was on the 26th as well. he was upset that i didn't make him a homemade card. nothing is ever good enough! mom and i fell asleep in the livingroom. i woke up before anyone. around 7am. it was snowing. just beautiful. later on, i fell asleep again, cause i knew they wouldn't be getting up until at least 10am. and they did. my mom bought me loads of clothes, a few cds, a video or 2, a dream book, basically everything i had asked her for. she loved everything i had bought her. afterwards, both my brother and mom went back to sleep. fucking lovely. i went into my mom's room and read a bit, and watched high fidelity. around 5 mom got ready to come back here for the family gathering at my grandfather's house. she was upset that i was still watching the movie and not getting ready. so i got up and threw everything together, including myself, and i was ready in less than 10 minutes. mom was going to drive back, but considering that she was sobbing and shaking, she just decided that it'd be best to wait for my brother. then we were off. my mind wasn't in the holiday spirit at all. i was somewhere else in my mind. well, that's always lately. we arrived at (my) home. went into my grandfather's house, but then i promptly went inside my house. i needed to get a few more things ready, and i basically wanted to retreat from the others. in my mailbox, there was a gift from nicklas. he's such a sweetheart. i called and thanked him, but i got the answering machine. of course! i went back to the horror. haha. at first it was awkward, but after everyone got a few drinks in them, it was alright. i wish they could all see what they look like in my eyes. i just stayed in the corner (literally) and watched everyone. occasionally someone would come over and attempt to talk to me.... but then would walk away without even hearing what i said. i'm used to it by now. my aunt hennie told me that jason was next door, so i tried to go over and get his attention, but he didn't see me. i ended up calling him. he came over about two hours later. had a nice talk with him. got up-to-date on his current situation. he's back into drugs. nothing heavy, just weed now, i think, i hope. his aunt and dad both smoke as well, and he actually asked them if he could join them. fucking crazy. they said yes. that's a great family tradition right there. getting high over the holidays with your family. i had to get some things out of my mom's car, so i had the keys... and i decided i'd just take it for a drive. i told my brother i was going, and he decided to come with me, just incase i got caught. we drove around for a little bit, then we ended up in the ge parking lot. my brother took the wheel and we did so many donuts. it was so fun. we came back and everyone was curious as to where we were. lol. to add more chaos to the family, someone messed up the grab-bag. i bought for my aunt hennie when i should have bought for my aunt becky. and they both bought me something. lol. i threw together some stuff for my aunt becky over at the house that she really appreciated. i talked to my uncle hank and my cousin-in-law michael. michael is so awesome. he's the only one that always makes an effort to talk to me. finally at 1am, we picked for next year's grab-bag. luckily (not) i got my aunt hennie for next year too. anyways.. when i got home i opened the presents that mark bought me. he got me a bunch of stuff that i didn't deserve. the next day, jason came over around 5pm. he desperately needed to talk to me. there's a bunch of stuff that is going on in his life right now. he was upset to learn that his grandma has alzheimer's disease. she said to him before, that if she ever got it, she'd want to die. that really bothered him. i tried to cheer him up. he's contemplating moving to north carolina as well to get his life on track, and his x-girlfriend is giving him problems. we spent all nite talking and playing games. we even broke out the ouija board and fucked around with it. jason got so drunk on one shot of jim beam. fuck, even i did too. it didn't have too much of an effect on me. jason left too late that nite. i ended up sleeping until 3pm today because i was so exhausted from the nite before. i meant to get up and get a drink and something to eat, but i just couldn't move, so i just slept. gee, i can't wait to go back to work tonite. i am happy that i did have some time off. i think i'm spending new year's eve with my mom. what fun. at least she won't be alone. justin was supposed to come home yesterday, but he hasn't called. i'm sure he won't, and that's fine too. i have a mix tape that i need to finish. i can never finish things on time. i swear, it's a curse. so that's what's been happening in the last five days. i know you were worried. so all in all, christmas turned out fine. i still haven't spent any time with joe, jess, or jenn! fuck! laura went back to missouri. shari goes back to sru on the 8th or something. hey, at least i haven't seen leanne! now that this entry is too fucking long, i'll leave you. life could slip away in absent minded numbness-i'm only sayin this 'cuz i wish for the best-when you always stay in self incarceration-i think it's such a shame-oh how i'd like to diffuse your time bomb anger-it's screaming danger, danger-this kind of world don't care if you're home-so you better get some-everything i'm sayin' you can dismiss-because i sat alone on this past christmas-i deserved to be alone-but i guess i should have gone home-don't stay home this time-no don't stay home ~*~liz << - >> if you really loved me, you'd buy me presents |
